My Ass


[An American General (Stephen Fry) is seated at a large desk, smoking a huge cigar: a Stars and Stripes flag hangs behind him.]

General: Jacobson! Get your ass in here right now!
A Colonel (Hugh Laurie) enters, also in uniform.
Colonel: Sir!

General: Jacobson, what the hell am I going to do with your ass?
Colonel: My ass, sir?
General: Can you think of one goddamn reason why I shouldn’t kick your ass all the way back to New Mexico?
Colonel: Well, sir if this concerns…
General: You know what the hell it concerns, Jacobson. It concerns your ass! What does it concern?
Colonel: My ass, sir.

General: Do you recall what it was I said to you the last time you were in this here office?
Colonel: Well sir. You told me to move my ass, and haul my ass, and not to sit on my ass, because if I did, you would personally rearrange my ass.
General: Uh uh. Wrong, Mr Jacobson. I was not going to rearrange your ass – I was going to boil your ass in a bag, and have your ass for breakfast.
Colonel: – Have my ass for breakfast, sir.

General: Read the sign on my desk boy.
Colonel: “The buck stops at my ass.”
General: See, that’s why I have this here star on my shoulder and you don’t. Because my ass is on the line.
Colonel: The bottom line?
General: The bottom line.
Colonel: I understand.

General: Well, I am glad you got your ass straight on that one. Now Jacobson, I’ve got myself a problem.
Colonel: A problem, sir?
General: Yes. It seems that some goddamn college boy on the fifth floor wants a piece of my ass…
Colonel: Your ass, sir?
General: You bet your ass, my ass.

Colonel: Sir?
General: Yes, Jacobson?
Colonel: How does my ass fit into all of this?
General: It’s very simple, Jacobson. You are aware that your ass is mine?
Colonel: It is sir?
General: Oh yes, your ass is mine, mister. The day you joined this man’s army, you signed your ass over to me.

Colonel: I get it, sir.
General: Oh you do, do you?
Colonel: This guy wants a piece of your ass, so you’re thinking that, being as my ass is yours, maybe you could give him a piece of my ass as a way of saving your ass.

General: Jacobson, shut your ass. Nobody likes a smart Alec.

– Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie: A Bit of Fry & Laurie (1989-1995)

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One thought on “My Ass

  1. I wonder what Hugh Laurie is doing these days, likely still counting his money from “House.”

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