Stony Broke


‘I’m as poor as a church mouse, that’s just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.’

– Joseph M. 1998. Blackadder The Whole Damn Dynasty London, Great Britain: Penguin Books (1999) p. 309

On Physical Pain


‘They do say, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.’

– Joseph M. 1998. Blackadder The Whole Damn Dynasty London, Great Britain: Penguin Books (1999) p. 295

A Crisis


‘This is a crisis, a large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it’s a twelve-story crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout; twenty-four-hour porterage, and an enormous sign on the roof saying ‘This Is a Large Crisis’. And a large crisis requires a large plan. Get me a ruler, two pencils and a pair of underpants.’

– Joseph M. 1998. Blackadder The Whole Damn Dynasty London, Great Britain: Penguin Books (1999) p. 440

British Progress


‘We’ve been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which time millions of men have died, and we’ve moved no further than an asthmatic ant with heavy shopping.’

– Joseph M. 1998. Blackadder The Whole Damn Dynasty London, Great Britain: Penguin Books (1999) p. 439

A Dismissal


‘Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can’t be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn’t be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn’t know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That’s is why you’re dismissed.’

– Joseph M. 1998. Blackadder The Whole Damn Dynasty London, Great Britain: Penguin Books (1999) p. 95

On The French


‘We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincourt? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?’

– Joseph M. 1998. Blackadder The Whole Damn Dynasty London, Great Britain: Penguin Books (1999) p. 275