Church Marquees

Listed below is a collection of church marquees that provide us with an interesting insight into the minds of various Christian movements all over the North-American continent. Church marquees are also telling of the messages these various movements like to communicate to society. Their diversity is enormous, being either oblivious to the most obvious innuendos, too clever by half, or hopelessly bigoted:[1]

• A 4 inch tongue can bring a 6 foot man to his knees. (Word of Life – Church of Christ)
• All churches & members that support homos cursed be thou with cancer syphilis HIV stroke madness itch then hell. (Atlah World Missionary Church)
• Cars aren’t the only thing recalled by their maker. (Pea Ridge Free Will Baptist)
• Christmas: easier to spell than Hanukkah.[2] (Cross of Christ Deliverance Temple)
• Does life stink? We have a pew for you. (Calvary Baptist Church)
• Do not criticise your wife’s judgement – see whom she married. (First Presbyterian Church)
• Don’t be so open-minded; your brains fall out. (Glad Tidings Assembly)
• Don’t make me come down there. – God (Cornerstone Christian Church)
• Easter comes once a year. How often do you? (Kingsley Lake Baptist Church)
• Face powder may get a man, it takes baking powder to keep him. (North Buncombe First Church of God)
• Get off of Facebook and into my book – God (Fall Creek Baptist Church)
• God didn’t create anything without a purpose. But mosquitoes come close. (Bethany Lutheran Church)
• God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do not exist. (Palm Heights Baptist Church)
• God, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am! (Northgate Baptist Church)
• Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one. (Benton Heights Presbyterian Church)
• Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him. (Stonebridge Church of God)
• I hate this church – Satan (Faith Baptist Church)
• I kissed a girl and I liked it. Then I went to hell. (Havens Corners Church)
• I wish Noah had swatted those two mosquitoes.[3] (Unknown)
• If evolution is true, why help the poor? (Christian Fellowship Church)
• If man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? (New Deliverance Evangelistic Church)
• If ur’ faith is big enough, facts dnt count. (Victoria Tabernacle Holiness Church)
• If you don’t love God, go to hell. (Unity Christian Church)
• Jesus had two dads and he turned out just fine! (St. John’s Anglican Church)
• Jews killed the Lord Jesus. (Lovingway United Pentecostal Church)
• Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer – God (First Reformed Church of Bethlehem)
• Now is a good time to visit, our pastor is on vacation. (Cape Coral Community Church)
• Obama Osama (Jonesville Chuch of God)
• Open your mouth and I will fill it. (Grace United Church of Christ)
• Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has. (Beryl Baptist Church)
• Santa Claus never died for anyone. (Apostolic faith Church)
• Staying in bed screaming ‘oh God’ does not constitute going to church. (Church of Redeemer Lutheran)
• Suffering is the soil in which faith grows. (Greensboro Grove Church)
• Surfers, Skateboarders, Musicians, Artists, Vegetarians, Dawkins, Activists, Addicts and Fornicators all go to hell! Repent Now! (Orange Church of God)
• The best gift a mother ever gave was time spent on her knees. (Moler Avenue Church of the Brethren)
• The best way to the top is on your knees. (Hickory Flat Fellowship Church of God)
• Unless you are White, Anglo, and Republican. Stay away! (Scofield Baptist Church)
• Vote for the Mormon, not the Muslim; the Capitalist, not the Communist! (Church in the Valley)
• Wal-Mart isn’t the only saving place. (Faubion United Methodist Church)
• What happens in Vegas is forgiven here.[4] (Unknown)
• Whoever is praying for rain can stop. (Lake George Bible Church)
• Whoever’s praying 4 snow, pleez stop! (McDonaldsville St. Paul)

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[1] In some cases, punctuation has been added to make the message more understandable.

[2] The Jewish feast of Hanukkah is misspelled here as “Hannukah”, we have corrected this error.

[3], [4] Even though the location of this marquee is unknown, the authors felt this message could not be left out of the final list.

International Condom Day

International Condom Day seeks to promote the use of condoms as a means of preventing unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.

It is an informal observance celebrated in conjunction with Valentine’s Day. The holiday is also promoted by the AHF (AIDS Healthcare Foundation) in an effort to reduce the spread of HIV through safe sex practices.

The simple fact is that scientific research demonstrates that condoms are an effective and important tool in the worldwide fight against HIV/AIDS, as well as other sexually transmitted infections. Let’s consider some interesting nuggets of that large body of research:

• When it comes to HIV, using a condom makes sex 10,000 times safer than not using a condom. – Carey, Ronald F., et al. (1992)
• There is no medical reason why someone can’t use a condom. Even people with latex allergies can use them — there are latex-free condoms made of polyurethane and polyisoprene. – Hatcher, Robert A., et al. (2007)
• Condoms have been around a long, long time. The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom is a 12,000–15,000-year-old painting on the wall of a cave in France. – Parisot, Jeannette (1985)

Who binds with chains the poet’s wit,
The navvy’s strength, the soldier’s pride,
And lays the sleek, estranging shield
Between the lover and his bride.”
― George Orwell, Keep the Aspidistra Flying

• Condom availability in places of need around the world is increasing significantly, with 25.8 million female condoms provided through international and nongovernmental funding sources in 2009. Condom distribution increased by 10 million between 2008 and 2009. – UNAIDS (2010)
• The condom is one of the most accessible and inexpensive forms of birth control available. The cost of condoms is as low as $0.04 per unit. – UNAIDS (2010)
• Only 39 percent of American high school students are taught how to correctly use a condom in their health classes. Programs that teach young people about abstinence as well as contraception help youth to delay first sex and use condoms and other forms of contraception when they do have sex. – Kirby, Douglas. (2007)

“Staying in Africa, I think it will one day be admitted with shame that it might have been in error to say that AIDS is bad as a disease, very bad, but not quite as bad as condoms are bad, or not as immoral in the same way.” – Christopher Hitchens

And consider these other quite interesting facts about condoms:

• An average condom can hold a gallon of liquid. (The average healthy man over 24 produces a tablespoonful of 15 millilitres of sperm in a single ejaculation.)
• The oldest known condoms (that is to say, as in the oldest ones physically found) were discovered in a toilet in Dudley, England and were made from fish and animal intestine. They were dated around 1640.
• The term used by medical professionals and safer sex educators to refer to the phenomenon of decreased condom use is condom fatigue.

“Use a condom. The world doesn’t need another you.”
― Carroll Bryant

• 5 billion condoms are used every year, worldwide.
• The Chinese hold the world record for creating the largest condom. During the celebration of the World population Day in 2003, the people of Guilin, China, made a 80 meter x 100 meter condom and placed it on top of a hotel.
• The formal Danish word for condom is Svangerskabsforebyggendemiddel; whereas the Greeks employ the beautiful word προφυλακτικό.

“It’s the strange thing about this church, it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now, they will say we with our permissive society and our rude jokes, we are obsessed. No, we have a healthy attitude, we like it, it’s fun, it’s jolly, […] it’s a bit like food in that respect only even more exciting. The only people who are obsessed with food are anorexics and the morbidly obese, and that in erotic terms is the Catholic Church in a nutshell.” – Stephen Fry

Christian Talmud

“With St. Paul the Christian Talmud begins which is called ‘Church’.”

– Leo Tolstoy

Schism [Noun.]

1. Adivision between strongly opposed parties, caused by differences in opinion or belief
2. The formal separation of a Church into two Churches or the secession of a group owing to doctrinal and other differences

Schism is most commonly used when referring to a break of communion within a church or religious body, though it can be applied to any case of division in an organisation or movement, religious or non-religious. The word has found its heaviest usage in the history of Christianity, particularly concerning The Great Schism of 1054, when European Christianity split in two: the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Roman Catholic Church. Schism is specifically used in situations where the split occurred without ‘justifiable reason’.

The word originally stems from the Greek schizeim, meaning ‘to split’. The word was also used in Old French, having the same meaning, but spelt cisme. In Middle English, where it was spelt scisme, the word gained its current religious meaning.