Cows, Kaiser Wilhelm and Daylight Saving Time

Billions of people around the world experience general fatigue all day after losing an hour of sleep to daylight saving time. For years, conventional wisdom has been that it benefits one particular group: farmers, but that’s not actually true. There are no farming activities that benefit from daylight saving.

‘Of course daylight saving doesn’t benefit farmers, cows don’t care what time it is, because they’re cows, and cows are idiots.[1] So if it’s not for them, who is it for?

The modern daylight saving was introduced during the first world war as a fuel saving measure by the Germans. – That’s right, you lost an hour of sleep this morning thanks to Kaiser Wilhelm!

And while back then, daylight saving may indeed have saved fuel, in the modern era, energy consumption is a little more complicated. In fact, when Indiana adopted daylight saving in 2006, guess what happened: the data shows that daylight saving actually led to a 1% overall rise in residential electricity.

Of course it did, because switching on a lamp an hour later in the summer doesn’t really matter when you’re blasting an air conditioner and staying up all night psychotically scrolling through instagrams of your ex’s honeymoon to Morocco.

But that’s not to say daylight saving doesn’t have any effects at all. Studies show there is an increase of car accidents and work-related injuries the week after the time change. – That’s right, what you lose in sleep, you gain in mortal danger.

Despite all this, 70 countries around the world still observe daylight saving and yet by going by local news reports, none of them could tell you why. […]

So if it doesn’t benefit our energy bill, our health or our stupid, stupid cows, it has to make you wonder: daylight saving time, how is this still a thing?’

– Oliver. J. et. al. (2015, March 8) Daylight Saving Time – How Is This Still A Thing?: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

[1] The authors would like to underline they do not endorse the view that all cows are idiots. A 2004 study by Cambridge University researchers revealed cows have “eureka” moments, taking pleasure in their own learning achievements. When the cows made improvements in learning, they showed emotional and behavioral reactions that indicated excitement.

12/iii mmxv

Babelavante [Noun.] One who makes feeble jokes.

Cows have about 25,000 taste buds – two and a half times as many as people – but all they eat is grass.

If anything, Greenland is white.

Passengers in Tokyo train stations generate energy every time they take a step. Special flooring tiles capture the vibrations generated by footfalls, which can be stored as energy. Enough energy is captured during the day to light up electronic signboards.

According to Gallup, the religiosity of the US state of Alabama is as high as that of Iran. Ironically, the religiosity of the US state of Georgia, is as high as that of the sovereign nation of Georgia located in the Caucasus.

See other: Quite Interesting Facts

Intelligence of Cows

According to extensive research, and opposed to widely held beliefs, cows are generally very intelligent and socially complex animals. Animal behaviourists have found that cows interact in various and complex ways, developing friendships over time and sometimes holding grudges against other cows who treat them badly.

Bos Primigenius or Cow, in this case the Holstein variety

These gentle giants mourn the deaths of and even separation from those they love, even shedding tears over their loss. The mother-calf bond is particularly strong, and there are countless reports of mother cows who continue to frantically call and search for their babies after the calves have been taken away.

Cattle form deep friendships and strong family bonds. Like humans, when cattle have their preferred partner with them, their stress levels in terms of their heart rates are reduced compared with when they are with a random individual.

“I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I’ll dance with the cows and you come home.”
– Groucho Marx

Research has shown that cows clearly understand cause-and-effect relationships—a sure sign of advanced cognitive abilities. For example, cows can learn how to push a lever to operate a drinking fountain when they’re thirsty or to press a button with their heads to release grain when they’re hungry. Pressing a panel to get food may not seem like such an astonishing bovine act to us now, but it wasn’t long ago when scientists gauged ape smarts by comparable feats.

Researchers have also found that not only can cows figure out problems, they also, like humans, enjoy the intellectual challenge and get excited when they find a solution. Professor Donald Broom from Cambridge University explains that when cows solve problems, “[t]heir brainwaves showed their excitement; their heartbeat went up, and some even jumped into the air. We called it their Eureka moment.”

“As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.”
– Joan Gussow

A herd of cows is very much like a pack of wolves, with alpha animals and complex social dynamics. Each cow can recognize more than 100 members of the herd, and social relationships are very important to them. Cows will consistently choose leaders for their intelligence, inquisitiveness, self-confidence, experience, and good social skills, while bullying, selfishness, size, and strength are not recognized as suitable leadership qualities.

Not too long ago, an academic from a German university discovered (by using Google Earth) that out of 8,510 cows, most tended to face either north or south, giving rise to possible claims that they can sense magnetism.

“A Range Rover – 10.000 miles a day – produces less methane than a cow farting. So something has got to give, cows or cars. It has got to be cars. […] We have got to get rid of the cars. Milk, I can’t do without that; shoes, burgers…”
– Jeremy Clarkson

On a sad note, we are beginning to learn that raising cows in unnatural conditions, such as crowded feedlots, is very stressful to them because it upsets their hierarchy and keeps them locked in a very unnatural, dark and secluded environment for life. University of Saskatchewan researcher Jon Watts notes that cows who are kept in groups of more than 200 on commercial feedlots become stressed and constantly fight for dominance. (Unfortunately, feedlots in America hold thousands of cows at a time.)

By expanding our awareness of animals’ feelings, we are gradually being forced to acknowledge that a new relationship to them is needed. For instance, lawmakers in the Spanish region of Catalonia have recognized that: in July 2010 they voted to ban bullfighting – if one is a little familiar with Spanish culture, one will understand the magnitude of such a development.

Lastly, some cow-related trivia:

  1. Mountain lions and mountain cows do not live near mountains. The mountain cow is a form of tapir.
  2. As opposed to widely held belief, there are no sacred animals in India. The term Sacred is a Christian one and therefore does not really apply to India – there are no cow deities et cetera.
  3. Cow shoes were wrong by bootleggers during prohibition in the US. The footprints they made looked like cow footprints, and they were worn to trick the police.
  4. Cows move their legs in no particular pattern. Camels walk with their legs in unison.

7/viii mmxiv

On average, there are 178 sesame seeds on each McDonalds BigMac bun.

The proud owner of the first silicone breast implant was a dog called Esmeralda.

The world suicide rate has risen by 60% in the last 45 years.

Gertrude Stein referred to orgasms as “cows.”

The Inuit cosmos is ruled by no one. There are no divine mother and father figures. There are no wind gods and solar creators. There are no eternal punishments in the hereafter, as there are no punishments for children or adults in the here and now.

See other: Quite Interesting Facts

Ideologies Explained with Cows

Here are some famous ideologies from around the world, as explained by references to cows:

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Bos Primigenius or Cow, in this case the Holstein variety

Real World Communism: You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarianism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

Enviromentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

See other: Admin’s Choice Posts