Tag Archives: Humour

Double Marketing Standards

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[The typical commercial directed at women.]

Generic woman: Ouch, my stomach!

Male voice over: Do you suffer from gut agony?

Generic woman: And my head!

Male voice over: Tension head? Got that bloated feeling? Inevitable wrinkles? The beginnings of lady moustache? And now you’ve pissed yourself again? Women, you’re leaking, ageing, hairy, overweight, and everything hurts. And your children’s clothes are filthy. No wonder men long for other less clammy women. For god’s sake sort yourself out!

Generic woman: Now I’m free to live my own life, my way!

[The typical commercial directed at men.]

Male voice over: Men, shave and get drunk! Because you’re already brilliant!

– That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006-2010)

Language of Airports

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From an English-speaking perspective, some of the names and abbreviations of airports around the world are exceedingly unusual and unfortunate.

Unfortunate IATA airport codes include:

BAD (Barksdale Air Force Base, Bossier City, Louisiana, United States); BOG (Bogotá Airport, Columbia); BUM (Butler Airport, United States); DIK (Dickinson Airport, United States); DOH (Doha Airport, Qatar); FAT (Fresno Yosemite International Airport, California, United States); GIT (Geita Airport, Tanzania); KOK (Kokkola/Pietarsaari Kruunupyy Airport, Finland); MAD (Madrid Barajas International Airport, Spain); NOB (Nosara Beach Airport, Costa Rica); OLD (Old Town Municipal Airport, Maine, United States); PEE (Perm Airport, Russia); POO (Pocos De Caldas Airport, Brazil); SAD (Safford Regional Airport, Arizona, United States); SEX (Sembach Airport, Germany).

Unusual names of airports include:

Batman Airport (BAL) Turkey; Black Tickle Airport (YBI) Canada; Brest Airport (BES) France; Dang Airport (DNP) Nepal; Fak Fak Airport (FKQ) Indonesia; Flin Flon Airport (YFO) Canada; Fort Dix Airport (WRI) United States; Fukui Airport (FKJ) Japan; Gaylord Airport (GLR) United States; Linga Linga Airport (LGN) Papua New Guinea; Mafia Airport (MFA) Tanzania; Mala Mala Airport (AAM) South Africa; Moron Airport (MXV) Mongolia; Ponce Airport (PSE) Puerto Rico; Pratt Airport (PTT) United States; Shafter Airport (MIT) United States; Tsili Tsili Airport (TSI) Papau New Guinea; Useless Loop Airport (USL) Australia; Wagga Wagga Airport (WGA) Australia; Wee Waa Airport (WEW) Australia; Wuhu Airport (WHU) China.

Unbelievable Truth: Aeroplanes

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This is a short lecture that is entirely false save for five pieces of true information which are cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Today’s subject is aeroplanes, heavier than air flying vehicles with fixed wings which are usually powered by propellers or jet engines.

Since the dawn of time, man has gazed up in the sky and dreamt of what it must be like to sit in it somehow eating Mini Pretzels and half-watching Paul Blart Mall Cop. Well, today we can answer that question in two simple words: aero planes.

Aeroplanes have existed in the wild, of course, ever since pterodactyls. But the first man-made aeroplane was built by a pair of simple Ohio biscuit salesmen, Wilbur and Orville Wright. The Wright brothers were, as I say, pigeon farmers by trade and it was watching these majestic creatures take flight that inspired Orville to turn to his brother one morning and say:

“Wilbur, I wish I could fly! Right up to the sky! But I can’t.”
A curious light came into Wilbur’s eye as he replied:
“Orville, you can!”
“I can’t!”
“You can!”

And so, financed entirely by their day job which, you remember, was running a bike shop, they set to work designing an aeroplane.

So they set to work designing an aeroplane. Tensions ran high. As Orville was keen to build an ‘F-16’ fighter whilst Wilbur had his heart set on the ‘Boeing-747’. When such arguments arose the brothers would deliberately swap sides midway and argue the other’s point of view. At first, Orville thought this was a stupid idea but then Wilbur made them swap sides and after that Orville convinced Wilbur it was a good idea, so they did it.

Aviatress Lilian Bland built the first aeroplane in Northern Ireland using a whiskey bottle as a petrol tank and her aunt’s ear trumpet to feed it. It had the engines of a lawn mower, the wheels of a pram and the wings of an albatross. Earning her a lifetime ban from Belfast bird sanctuary.

And she called her aeroplane the ‘Mayfly’ as in ‘it may fly or it may not’. In 1929 Elsworth W. Bunce became the first man to walk along the wing of a plane in flight. In 1930 he became the first man to milk a cow on a plane. And in 1931 he became the first man to realize that no matter what wacky things he did on planes his parents would still prefer his brother.

Since then aeroplanes have been designed in every imaginable shape and size. For instance, the Lockheed McDonnell 3-12, which had both wings on the same side of the fuselage and was consequently very good at turning right but very bad at not turning right. Then there was a Caproni Ca.60 which had nine wings and eight engines and contained a cocktail bar, a swimming pool, a racecourse and an aerodrome.

See other: Unbelievable Truth Posts

PS Consult the comment section to find out the truths.

Wanted Posters

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‘The Wanted Posters at the post office: you’re there, you got your package, you’re trying to mail something, this guy’s wanted in 12 states. Yeah, now what? Ok, I check the guy standing in line behind me, if it’s not him, that’s pretty much all I can do.

Why don’t they just hold on to this guy when they’re taking his picture.
“The guy’s there with you!”
“Come out from behind the camera and grab him!”
“No, we don’t do that. We take their picture, we let them go.”
“That’s how we get the front and side shot.”
“The front is his face, the side is him leaving.”‘

– Seinfeld, J. (1998). I’m Telling You For The Last Time. Broadhurst Theatre, New York: Universal Records.

The Point of Prison

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Don: Well, Dick, this is it. The tank.

Dick: Oh. Oh, look at them, their deep-set eyes darting with evil brilliance. What’d they do, Don?

Don: Well, that one’s a loiterer, and that guy was screaming at a fire hydrant.

Dick: You, fresh meat, what are you in for?

Inmate: Up yours!

Don: Don’t rile ’em up. They’re bad news.

Dick: Oh, this place is so creepy, Don. I knew jails had bars, but I didn’t know they were so confining.

Don: That’s kind of the idea.

[…]

Don: So, if he can’t pay his fine, he just – well, he’ll just sit there for a few days and think about what he’s done.

Dick: And that’ll teach him that jail is a dirty, horrible place, and he’ll never want to return?

Don: Exactly. In fact, this is the fifth time he’s learned that very lesson.

Dick: The fifth time? Why does he keep coming back?

Don: Ah, it’s just the way they are.

Dick: Then what’s the point of this place? It’s just a revolving door, a hopeless hotel whose residents check in and out between crimes. And you, Don, you’re nothing more than a bellhop with a badge.

Don: I am not.

Inmate: Hey, can I get a clean towel and a Wall Street Journal?

Don: Will you shut up in there! Now, listen here, Dick, this system is the only way we’ve got to teach these guys a lesson.

Dick: What about giving them a little guidance?

Don: Uh, we don’t do that here.

Dick: Well, maybe you should. Unlike you, I happen to have faith in the human race. I can take any one of these men, rehabilitate him, and make him a productive member of society.

Don: You’re mad, Solomon.

Dick: Am I? Come on, you, you’re coming home with me.

Don: What are you doing?

Dick: I’m going to pay his fine and make him whole again. As god is my witness, nothing will deter me from saving this man.

Don: Ok. His fine is $1,500.

Dick: Ooh. How much for the skinny one?

Don: Uh, 750.

Dick: And the short hair in the corner?

Don: Eddie? 100 bucks.

Dick: Wrap him up. I’ll take him.

– Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner: 3rd Rock from the Sun (1996-2001)