Tag Archives: North America

Church Marquees

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Listed below is a collection of church marquees that provide us with an interesting insight into the minds of various Christian movements all over the North-American continent. Church marquees are also telling of the messages these various movements like to communicate to society. Their diversity is enormous, being either oblivious to the most obvious innuendos, too clever by half, or hopelessly bigoted:[1]

  • A 4 inch tongue can bring a 6 foot man to his knees. (Word of Life – Church of Christ)
  • All churches & members that support homos cursed be thou with cancer syphilis HIV stroke madness itch then hell. (Atlah World Missionary Church)
  • Cars aren’t the only thing recalled by their maker. (Pea Ridge Free Will Baptist)
  • Christmas: easier to spell than Hanukkah.[2] (Cross of Christ Deliverance Temple)
  • Does life stink? We have a pew for you. (Calvary Baptist Church)
  • Do not criticise your wife’s judgement – see whom she married. (First Presbyterian Church)
  • Don’t be so open-minded; your brains fall out. (Glad Tidings Assembly)
  • Don’t make me come down there. – God (Cornerstone Christian Church)
  • Easter comes once a year. How often do you? (Kingsley Lake Baptist Church)
  • Face powder may get a man, it takes baking powder to keep him. (North Buncombe First Church of God)
  • Get off of Facebook and into my book – God (Fall Creek Baptist Church)
  • God didn’t create anything without a purpose. But mosquitoes come close. (Bethany Lutheran Church)
  • God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do not exist. (Palm Heights Baptist Church)
  • God, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am! (Northgate Baptist Church)
  • Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one. (Benton Heights Presbyterian Church)
  • Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him. (Stonebridge Church of God)
  • I hate this church – Satan (Faith Baptist Church)
  • I kissed a girl and I liked it. Then I went to hell. (Havens Corners Church)
  • I wish Noah had swatted those two mosquitoes.[3] (Unknown)
  • If evolution is true, why help the poor? (Christian Fellowship Church)
  • If man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? (New Deliverance Evangelistic Church)
  • If ur’ faith is big enough, facts dnt count. (Victoria Tabernacle Holiness Church)
  • If you don’t love God, go to hell. (Unity Christian Church)
  • Jesus had two dads and he turned out just fine! (St. John’s Anglican Church)
  • Jews killed the Lord Jesus. (Lovingway United Pentecostal Church)
  • Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer – God (First Reformed Church of Bethlehem)
  • Now is a good time to visit, our pastor is on vacation. (Cape Coral Community Church)
  • Obama Osama (Jonesville Chuch of God)
  • Open your mouth and I will fill it. (Grace United Church of Christ)
  • Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has. (Beryl Baptist Church)
  • Santa Claus never died for anyone. (Apostolic faith Church)
  • Staying in bed screaming ‘oh God’ does not constitute going to church. (Church of Redeemer Lutheran)
  • Suffering is the soil in which faith grows. (Greensboro Grove Church)
  • Surfers, Skateboarders, Musicians, Artists, Vegetarians, Dawkins, Activists, Addicts and Fornicators all go to hell! Repent Now! (Orange Church of God)
  • The best gift a mother ever gave was time spent on her knees. (Moler Avenue Church of the Brethren)
  • The best way to the top is on your knees. (Hickory Flat Fellowship Church of God)
  • Unless you are White, Anglo, and Republican. Stay away! (Scofield Baptist Church)
  • Vote for the Mormon, not the Muslim; the Capitalist, not the Communist! (Church in the Valley)
  • Wal-Mart isn’t the only saving place. (Faubion United Methodist Church)
  • What happens in Vegas is forgiven here.[4] (Unknown)
  • Whoever is praying for rain can stop. (Lake George Bible Church)
  • Whoever’s praying 4 snow, pleez stop! (McDonaldsville St. Paul)

[1] In some cases, punctuation has been added to make the message more understandable.

[2] The Jewish feast of Hanukkah is misspelled here as “Hannukah”, we have corrected this error.

[3], [4] Even though the location of this marquee is unknown, the authors felt this message could not be left out of the final list.